Apr 26, 2012

Pals

I liked to think I was the Rizzo of the group,
but I was probably the Sandy.
I recently had the chance to get away with my oldest friends.  We’ve all been best pals since high school, and a few of us have known each other since elementary school.  Though we’ve moved around, currently four of the five of us live in the same city.  We went to Chico Hot Springs for the weekend, and as I told my friends, I feel like our friendship is reinvigorated.  We all work crazy hours, most have kids, and we haven’t managed to get away for even a night together for about 10 years.  Lunches here and there, some shopping, and pop-ins have had to hold us over. 



I just had such a great time, y’all.  I came home exhausted from laughing and not sleeping and sitting in the sun.  So, these are some amusing things that were said:

·         My friend, who is a labor and delivery nurse, talks in her sleep.  I woke up to her shouting “She’s ready!  She’s ready!”

·         “Why are there so many Porsches here?  Some kind of Porsche convention?”  “More like a mid-life crisis convention…”

·         “Oh, yeah, my husband watches a LOT of porn.  He’s probably at home right now whacking it.”

·         “Fuck you, pumpkin.” 

·         “Cripes, why are the hot springs so damn hot?!”

·         My friends teased me about my tiny ass.  “That’s the shortest butt crack I’ve ever seeeeeen!” “You could fit a whole ‘nuther butt in those pants!  Or…at least one butt!”

·         I cocked my hip and farted really loud, then pointed across the room at my friend and said “That was you.”  Tiny but powerful.

Don’t you just love girlfriends?  We already booked the place for next year. 

Apr 25, 2012

How to Date a Single Mother


After hearing about this list of  '50 Reasons to Date Me' in a Craigslist Man for Woman ad, I felt inspired to make one of my own.

How to Date a Single Mother:

1)      Don’t imply anything her child does is lame.
2)      Never expect her to meet you for the first time anywhere but in a public place, undermining her awareness to stay safe is a jerk move.
3)      Treat her like the normal woman, not one who should be lucky a man ‘in this day and age’ would want to date a woman with a child anyway.
4)      Don’t take it as an insult when she insists on the first date being in a public place. That’s another jerk move.
5)      Wanting any woman to meet you in a non-public place for the first time is creepy (OK, moving on from this point now).
6)      Never say you want to meet her children if you are not sure. Make sure this is at least after a few months of dating.
7)      Don’t try to date anyone if you don’t even have enough money to buy your own cup of coffee.
8)      Don’t break up with her to date a woman who lives upstairs.
9)      Always be honest. Seriously, you can avoid many problems this way.
10)  As in all things in life: be kind, have manners and treat her as you wish to be treated.

Apr 19, 2012

Pointing and Laughing

In “Well, no shit” news today, Florida’s lost a bunch of money drug-testing its welfare applicants over a 4-month period.  To the tune of over $45,000, lawmakers in Florida found out that not only did the number of applicants not go down, but only 2% of the tests were positive (most for marijuana use).  The state had to reimburse the applicants who passed, so the state ended up paying more for the testing than if the applicants had received benefits.  Which leads me to say:

HA, HA, TOLD YOU SO.  I FUCKIN TOLD YOU SO. 
Like I always say...FUCK OFF...er, I was right.
The Feminist Breeder shared a link yesterday about the failure of this program to prove…well, anything they wanted it to prove, that’s for sure.  Some of the comments on TFB’s facebook page were eye-rollers.  Some woman said “What’s harsh is when u go apply at the welfare office and in the parking lot u c brand new cars.  They don’t belong to the workers.  Its all the other people on welfare.”  How does one go about discovering this information?  Did this odd woman ask around in the office, applicants and employees alike, to identify the make, model, and year of their vehicles?  I’m pretty sure she wasn’t just talking out of her ass, you guys.  Probably.  You might say it’s none of this lady’s fucking business who drives what, when they got it, how much they paid for it, etc. 


But!  Drug testing is not unfair to poor people, and it’s not discrimination, as some other person points out smartly. 

It’s not discrimination when you are asking tax payers and the government to financially support you.  Just because someone passes a drug test does not mean they are drug free.  I know tons of people who have collected their child’s urine in order to pass a test.  Many people slip through the cracks.  Millions.


Listen, she knows thousands of pounds’ worth of people who use their child’s urine to pass a piss test.  Who knows how many people that is!  Though if they’re poor, they must be fat, amirite, commenter?  All those munchies from the weed and the crap food they buy with their food stamps, you know. 
And don’t dare question her, because this chick knows what she’s talking about.  “Millions is an accurate statement.  Millions of welfare receivers nationwide are on drugs and use the free money for illegal purposes.  Also online reports can be biased and missing key information.  Just because it’s on the Internet doesn’t make it true.”  Except what she just said.  That’s true. 
Besides, this happened to another commenter: 

This is a tough one for me…i was at the grocery store recently and the couple behind me smelled of pot so badly that my nose burned.  When they paid for their groceries, they paid with a welfare debit card.  Im all for helping the truly needy, but if u can afford to buy pot, I don’t need to buy your groceries.


A commenter who WASN’T an asshole pointed out that that commenter does not know that the couple bought the weed.  Stoners, as she pointed out, are notoriously generous.  Maybe someone gave them a bud.  Maybe they grow their own.  Either way, though, who gives a shit.  It’s not commenter X’s job to police the welfare recipients.  NOR IS SHE PAYING FOR ANYONE’S GROCERIES.  Not really, not any more than I’m paying for her roads and for her local fire department.  So STFU already with the whining, “I shouldn’t have to pay for that,” because you DON’T. 
Of course people on welfare use drugs—some of them.  Just like some congresspeople.  Just like some ranchers.  Just like some teachers.  Just like some internet commenters.  Just like some line cooks.  Just like some restaurant owners.  Just like some of every group everywhere ever.  Folks on public assistance don’t have the market cornered on drug use and government fraud.  So lay the fuck off.  And can I just say it one more time?
TOLD YOU SO.  TOLD YOU SO.  TOOOOOOOOOOLD YOU SOOOO. 



Apr 8, 2012

Happy Easter!

The rabbit or hare is a fantastically feminine creature; of course, we don't here of this much.  :)  'Hope you celebrated well.



     "She sat in the silver moonlight, her breath fast, her heart pounding, her long, silky jackrabbit ears twitching at every sound. Her eyes were dark in a pale, human face. The Hounds had run her to exhaustion. But she must not sleep, for she had promised that she would watch over this land tonight. Who was it she had promised? The Spine Witch, or the Wood Mage, or perhaps even the One-Who-Sleeps -- she was going to have to remember now. To resist the pull of the animal-self and be present in this place and time, walking that linear human path that went so against her nature."                         -- Terri Windling, The Wood Wife 


In the black furror of a field
I saw an old witch-hare this night;
And she cocked a lissome ear,
And she eyed the moon so bright,
And she nibbled of the green;
And I whispered "Whsst! witch-hare,"
Away like a ghostie o’er the field
She fled, and left the moonlight there.


~ a 19th century children’s poem by Walter de la Mare

Apr 5, 2012

Um, that's not feminism

Do what you wanna do, girl.  I got your back.
January Jones and Alicia Silverstone have made news recently.  Jones talked openly about encapsulating her placenta and taking it like a vitamin.  Silverstone practices kiss-feeding, or chewing up her kids’ food before feeding it to them. 

Now I haven’t done either of these things.  I’m interested in placenta encapsulation and if I have another baby, I will see if I can do it.  I’ve read about it and found absolutely nothing negative about it.  The only negativity comes from assholey Judgy McJudgertons.  I woke up the other day when my radio alarm went off.  I laid in bed and listened to my (former) favorite station, MOJO 92.5.  They play 70s and 80s music, and I dig it.  The two male and one female DJ then started in on some news—yep, they started in on January Jones.  It was sort of like this:
 

“Did you know January Jones ate her placenta?” 

“Ewwww.  That’s sick and wrong.”

“Totally.  She said other mammals do it, so she wanted to try it, and she said it gave her lots of energy.” 

“Hasn’t she ever heard of coffee?”  (insert jack-ass laughter)

“Well, you know, humans do a lot of things other mammals don’t.  Like wear clothes.” 

“Have you driven around this country?  There’s a reason for a lot of people to wear clothes!”  (insert more jack-ass laughter) 

So basically they judged something they know nothing about, and then participated in a quick bout of fat-shaming.  I got up and turned the station.  

Now, my opinion on both Jones and Silverstone is this:  I do not give a rip if Jones eats her placenta, and I don’t give a shit if Silverstone feeds her kid by chewing up his or her food first.  Because I’m pro-choice.   Want to breastfeed because it’s good for the baby?  Fine.  Want to breastfeed because it’ll help you lose weight faster?  Cool.  Don’t want to breastfeed because you have to go back to work and won’t have time or resources to pump?  All right.  Don’t want to breastfeed because you just don’t want to?  Fine by me, lady.  Want to fully follow the vaccination schedule?  Go ahead.  Want to selectively vaccinate or not at all?  I’ll support you.  Want to have the baby?  Cool. I’ll babysit.  Want an abortion?  I’ll go with you. 

I bet her placenta is DELICIOUS!
What I’m saying is that being pro-choice should cover more than just abortion.  Feminism should cover more than the false dichotomy of mothering versus being a good feminist. 
 
I’ve written before about how much it pisses me off when folks say they’re pro-choice.  So I wasn’t too shocked to hear that supposed feminist Amanda Marcotte wrote this article, because I already know she’s anti-choice when it comes to vaccination.  I was sort of surprised at how laughable the short piece was.  Marcotte’s argument boils down to her being grossed out, but she veils it as concern for the already beleaguered modern mother: 

That the burdens of getting "natural" fall nearly exclusively on the shoulders of women---especially when babies come---is reason enough to take a step back and wonder if this isn't the same old oppression of women repackaged in shiny new organic wrapping.



That’s a good one.  Yes, it’s all about oppressing the women.   Because nothing says “I trust and respect women” like saying “Your birth and parenting choices are nasty.  EWWW.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.  There are plenty of *OPSWAM in this country trying to send women back down to chattel status, Marcotte.  Saying that the “crunchy mom mafia” is degrading and oppressive to women is just ANTI-FEMINIST.    

I’m calling it.  The fourthwave of feminism is here, and we have open arms.  We accept that motherhood looks different for every single woman.  We support women even if their choices don’t feel to us like looking in a mirror.  And if Marcotte can’t say that, I’m not sure the Fourth Wave wants or needs “feminists” like her.


*Over-Privileged Straight White American Male (stolen from my friend Sam Edmonds and his eat-a-bag-of-dicks attitude).

Apr 4, 2012

Poetry Has Been Around the Block


I love slam poetry. The good stuff with some poignant swearing, double entendre and a clear message.

There are poets I know, who shall remain nameless, that don’t view slam poetry as real “poetry.” Poetry is something of academia, movements…LITERARY. Slam is viewed as some sort of bastardized child that resulted from the one night that poetry broke up with nonfiction for a night and slept with rap.

I don’t view it that way. I think poetry took some lovers (and shit, why WOULDN’T it): hip hop, soul, R&B, civil rights, gay rights, women’s rights, and stayed friends after. Birthed a few beatniks and revolutionaries; true poets wandering the line of nonfictional storytelling, musical expression, and filmic scene. Mudblood poets who deserve their full birthright. I think montage and monologue got a lot of action, too. Is there any shame in that? I don’t think so.

Do I have a point? Well, not particularly during these wee hours of the morning, but I will say this, poetry is poetry, whether it sits on the page or comes writhing out of our lips in front of a crowd.

Check out these links and go see The Whirlwind Company perform here in Spokane on April 13th.

Jon Sands

Shira Erlichman

Anis Mojgani

Andrea Gibson

Apr 1, 2012

Over-the-Counter Birth Control: Win Win for Everyone?

This is an interesting idea – The beloved Pill switched to simply being over-the-counter, available alongside other type common-ailment pills like cholesterol pills and migraine pills. The FDA is reportedly considering such things. And it sounds like a god-send in most cases. An article on Care2 described making birth control OTC as “win win.” Jezebel’s Erin Gloria Ryan makes sweet sarcasm: “But without a doctor to look at them disapprovingly, how will sex-having ladies know to feel bad about themselves?” Birth control is easily twisted into an infuriating example of control over the rights of the female gender, as this process of control lies at the political core of most interpretations of Christianity. I think we also have to remember that, as far as control goes, here lies another all-American class issue.

As a mother of three daughters (two are now older teenagers), I can see the good side of easy access to birth control, believe me. As a woman who loves her birth control madly and who, being a teenager once, feared the scrutiny of physicians and her parents but had unprotected sex any way, I like the idea of lifting a stigma or two. Making birth control pills OTC - offering up a little Kiosk for diagnosis even more reliable than a doctor - is a way to potentially side-step the recent political war going on between “religious employers” bitching about being forced to pay for insurance covering “women’s health.” I use the quotes here because the terms have been twisted into all sorts of alternative terms, depending upon your approach and side, “women’s health” especially – a.k.a. “slutiness” “whoredom” “prostitution.”  If we make the Pill OTC, then we can tell everybody it’s up to the woman and only the woman, so the rest of the controlling world can shut the fuck up.

I’m all about short-cuts and easier paths. I’m one of those people who will cut across the pretty grass (barefoot, if possible) if it saves me a minute. But I think in our efforts to make things easier, we need to be careful not to overlook those who need the Pill the most. If the Pill becomes OTC, then the funding and livelihood of places like Planned Parenthood become absolutely VITAL.


Places like Planned Parenthood will be needed more than ever to provide birth control for those who need it most at reduced costs or FREE, otherwise making such pills OTC doesn’t offer much help for those who truly need it. I’m talking about those who qualify for and rely upon state health insurances or those who can’t even qualify for state health insurances, as the qualifying maze is too often impossible. We're not all able to slip into a drug store, buy our pills, and walk back out with a little brown bag and a shrug. The first thing I thought of when I read about this was the teenager who lives in poverty (most likely to become pregnant) who barely has a pot to piss in, let alone the money to afford the potential OTC cost of the Pill. And I’m not a pro when it comes to economy, but I could foresee the pill if it goes over-the-counter as not being cheap, simply because it will be high demand. Please tell me if I’m wrong (I am all for easing my worries). We should remember that carrying birth control on store shelves at all becomes up to the scrutiny of private store-owners, owners of massive chains like WalGreens and Wal-mart, which means more control in the hands of the great money makers who have proven themselves to be terrifyingly influential in our ways of living.

Here's what I know: my family and I have received state insurance before, and we have gone to many state-funded clinics. When you have a condition and the clinic’s physician looks at you and says, “Go buy this as treatment. It’s over-the-counter” (an action far more common today than it once was), your heart can drop. That treatment can cost more OTC than you can afford to spend. Of course, you can’t spend money you don’t have, especially if you’re receiving a tiny TANF check. You will skip the OTC suggestion. Or you will lie, tell him or her you’ve tried the OTC treatment before, and it doesn’t work, whatever it takes to get them to give you a prescription that will be covered by your insurance so there is no out-of-pocket expense, so you might instead pay your mother-fucking rent. And you will continue to lose faith in your doctor and in a system who refuses to understand what it’s like living in poverty.


Women who are below poverty level (and there are lots) need to have free and easy access to birth control. The Pill OTC doesn't necessarily solve that - in fact, in many cases, it makes access harder. The OTC solution won’t work so well if profit and the values of private business are left as priority over the good of all people.

To me, offering the Pill OTC feels like a sneaky way to appease the middle class woman (who actually has a voice).