Why I Married Charlie Sheen...

In being a part of this blog, I have become more aware of what is going on in the world. Not just because I feel I need to find things to respond to, but I am just more engaged in the cycle of news and happenings in the world which can be ignored if you avoid news sites, don’t have cable or say, have spent the last two years immersed in an MFA program.

So, being more plugged into politics, I find I am more in tune with personal politics as well. Take for example this article from the Huffington Post Style section. Tracy McMillan has written a not quite satirical piece entitled “Why You Aren’t Married.”

McMillan addresses a specific set of women in the article when she states she is addressing a ‘you’ who has “never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.” Those of us who have always dreamed of a “real” wedding day are not included.

But then, a shocking turn occurs when McMillan says this about herself:

“I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time.”

McMillan has been married three times and the advice that follows her backstory is aimed to tell the women who are dying to be married why they aren’t.

Ready for why?

They’re shallow, slutty, lying, selfish bitches who think they aren’t good enough.

It’s enough to make your head spin, right? Because 1) how dare she? and 2) whoa, wait lady…you’ve been married three times and hence, DIVORCED that many times…couldn’t the finger be pointed right back at McMillan? In an article titled “Why You Are Divorced?”

As a woman who has been married and divorced…and perhaps, would like to get married again someday with a pretty dress this time, not 8 months pregnant and with some dancing afterwards, I took offense.

Let’s just look at some quotes:

“But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it.”

Yes, McMillan, because men are PERFECT and INFALLIBLE beings that women must serve? I think not. And they are ALL just waiting for a non-bitch, wholesome woman to walk into their lives. Again, I think not.

Marriage is a two way street where yes, you are going to have to put up with farts and belching (from both sides of the fence perhaps), the bad mood he gets in when he’s hungry, the way she snaps when you interrupt her concentration, kids complaining about homework and being too tired for sex. But that is MARRIAGE. It isn’t some sort of play where the woman tiptoes around so their husband doesn’t leave them.

“You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married.”

99% of American women are not Kim Kardashian. And I have been pissed off since I was 13 and I am pretty sure it was a part of my charm to my ex-husband. I am not going to stop ‘being angry,’ what I assume is reference to the Feminist stereotype, for anyone. If some man thinks I am ‘too angry’ for him, then he best just move along. Compromising my self isn’t the deal. And I wouldn’t want any potential partner of mine to do that either.

“This thing called oxytocin…it's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him…And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.”

Whoa. Who said we were all sleeping with Charlie Sheens?! Can we not be seen as capable of having a casusal relationship without going all gaga over some sort of chemical cocktail? I say we all lay off the booze and call it good.

“Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.”

Haha. Ok, that one was funny.

When we get to McMillan’s last point (and after I had read the article six times) it struck me that she may be writing this list to herself. That she, as an American woman, has fallen prey to what everyone (men, family, media) has ever said to her.

Perhaps, it’s a sad diatribe on the harmful words spewed from the angry soon-to-be ex-spouses, who have been pointing out faults for years before the split. I could feel bad here, but I guess I am thankful in a way, to think McMillan is just telling her story.

She’s a little angry.