This topic has been knocking around in my head for a bit now, and with Thursday’s news and the assholes it brought out of the internet woodwork, I had to say something.
Michelle Duggar suffered or is suffering a miscarriage. Duggar was pregnant with #20. I’ve never watched the show and I have not followed this family at all. I know they are very conservative Christians and that they don’t believe in birth control, that god plans their family size, that they are the Above Rubies and Quiverfull type of family. And that’s it. That’s all I know about them. And you must know I’m pro-choice, which is why it pisses me off to no end that self-proclaimed pro-choice feminists 1)Criticize her reproductive choices and 2)Are either out and out cruel or offer fake-ass, back-handed sympathy (“I feel bad for her, but every ejaculation does not need a name.”)
Some women have been arguing that maybe Michelle Duggar doesn’t really want these children, she only thinks she does because she’s brainwashed by her religion. I don’t know about that. And really, neither does anyone else, even someone who’s been in a very similar place. We don’t know if she’s under some kind of religious or spousal duress to keep having children. We don’t know if the older children’s lives will be ruined forever by having to help out with the younger children. We don’t know if they’re the happiest and most well-adjusted family on earth. WE DON’T KNOW. Whatever the Duggars have going on in their household is their business. Reproductive choice is reproductive choice, and she’s made hers. If she’s not really happy in her life, well damn, that’s pretty sad. But again, we just don’t know—we can only conjecture. And to say that she can’t possibly be happy in the life she’s living, well that feels about as condescending as when someone wants to outlaw abortion for women’s own good.
Now. If we call ourselves reproductive freedom fighters, if we believe that parenthood is a choice, if we trust women, we have to respect ALL reproductive choices. There is no picking and choosing. It’s not “I support reproductive rights, but she’s had enough kids.” No. Disagree with the woman all you want, but don’t say she doesn’t have the right to have twenty children. Don’t say she’s selfish for having children—I don’t give a shit if she’s on welfare or not. Even if she was, guess what? Still none of your business how many kids she has. It’s not a sign from God to stop having children (who are you to interpret the signs, anyway?) It’s time to pick a side, and please, pro-choicers, let’s all be on the same side. The side where we trust women, and the side where, for fuck’s sake, we don’t say “maybe she needs to be mentally envaluated, and then we they do the D & C, take her baby parts away because this is beyond enough” to a woman who has lost a loved and wanted child. You don’t get to be pro-choice with a BUT. The pro-choice crowd doesn’t want to see your but, so if you must have it, keep your but to yourself. Because if we see your but, we may start to think you’re not actually pro-choice after all.
YES. I could not say yes enough to this. Pro-choice does not, despite what the Right says, mean pro-abortion. It means believing that women make their own choices. Any one of us who can honestly say we make reproductive decisions unaffected by the culture we live in, grew up in or aspire to adopt must have been dropped from the sky. We all make our decisions about the uterus and its contents in relationship to the world we live in. And we are all allowed to succeed or fail according to our own paradigm. How many women have made a 'wrong' reproductive choice into an amazing and transformative experience? Oh yeah, I have.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of five who has gotten comments like that myself from those who call themselves liberal and pro-choice, I want to say THANK YOU. I love all my children. They are well-adjusted, happy, and healthy. They laugh often and cry rarely, and I love each one of them with everything in my being. I chose to get a tubal after I had my fifth. That, too, was my own choice. I applaud you for this post. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's one of the worst things we can do as feminists and pro-choicers, to divide up like that. There's simply no need for it. Feminism has a lot of faces, and some of them like pink and want large families. I'm OK with that. Here's to standing together, ladies. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteBest piece I've seen on this subject. Love it! It's my choice (and my husband's) to have one child. Our family of three is awesome. It's MY choice to have one, just like it's Michelle's CHOICE to have 20 plus.
ReplyDeleteI'm also tired of people excusing what they say because the Duggar family is on TV. There are no lines that people won't cross anymore. Freedom of speech and all that. The world would be a better place if we all abide by the "if you don't have anything nice to say, best to be quiet".
Hear, hear.
ReplyDelete2 may be enough for me, or 5 for Morgan in the previous comment, or as many until menopause for Michelle Duggar. It's no one else's choice.
OMG so much agree going on in me after this post!
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