A Virtuous Woman is Above Feelings



A couple of years ago, after a visit to their place, my stepmother sent some stuff home with me for the kids. When I got the bag home and looked through it, among the toys and clothes there was a magazine. My stepmom had written on it that it was for my mother-in-law. I looked at the cover, and something jumped out at me. See, the mag was called Above Rubies, which is a publication "to encourage women in their high calling as wives, mothers, and homemakers."  Oh, brother, I thought, no WAY am I letting my MIL see this crap.  I threw it away.

Recently, though, I came across another magazine while I was waiting for some work done on our vehicle. I skimmed it for any particularly offensive articles. Above Rubies followers believe their god should control their bodies, not their own selves here on earth. (Contraception? Goodness, no! Submission to husband in everything? Of course, silly billy!) and instead I found one that made me stop in my tracks. It wasn't offensive, exactly, but it was disturbing. The article is titled "I Almost Gave Up!" and is about a woman who read AR and threw her birth control away. Her second child was a sick baby who had jaundice and a milk allergy. The next two babies had kidney problems, and one of them needed surgery. Her husband lost his job during that time. Obviously this was all very stressful. So the wife asks her husband if he would consider having a vasectomy, which he would not. She begged him, then, "Well, how about just a temporary preventative method? I really need a break. I can't do this anymore."

Let's stop there. This woman has been through incredible stress and anxiety; probably she'd been sick with worry for YEARS. She's coming to her husband, her partner in life, for support.  She's telling him very clearly she wants a break from pregnancy, that she needs time to recover.  So how does her loving husband, her spiritual leader, comfort her?

He refuses to have sex with her until she changes her mind. Not, mind you, because he's a DICK, but because "He was not willing to compromise [their convictions]."

Then, this woman who obviously needed comfort and support, changed her mind. Her kids began asking her when she'd have another baby, and "I realized I was the only one wanting a break." 

THAT. is the part that hit me the hardest. She believes her own opinion doesn't mean shit. Her feelings are invalid. I'm all about reproductive choice for women, and not just when it comes to abortion. If a woman wants to have 19 children, who are we to tell her she can't possibly be happy having babies every year? Because we don't know what that woman is thinking. But here, we do know what she was thinking. She was thinking she needed time for emotional recovery. She was thinking her husband might support her in her crisis. She was thinking of her own personal emotional and physical health! She's the one carrying the children in her body, but her emotional torture means nothing even to her.  Gawd, that's just so fucking disheartening.

Celebrating International Women's Day Informally

I began a post for today, International Women’s Day, and I was going to list all the crappy bills being introduced in Montana that will hurt Montana women. That’s sorta my schtick, being pissed off, and I definitely am.  But I have already had bad news today and I didn’t want to bring myself down any further.  So instead, a happy list! I did some good things for women and girls over the past year, even if I couldn’t be involved in a formal IWD event (there are none here in Billings as far as I know).

 

1.       Being real. My daughter, 8, asked me how babies are created, and I told her! I had been planning a speech and I was going to get library books and it was going to be a whole thing.  Instead, one evening we were lying together in my bed talking, and she asked me. No one else was around, I had the time, so I explained how babies are made and born.  I believe her words were “Huh!”, and since then she has told me several times that she wants to have kids, but she wants to adopt, since she doesn’t want to go through “all that stuff.” I’m not sure if she means the sex or the pain of childbirth!  This led to a funny exchange a few weeks ago:

DD:                  Mom, do you have to do, you know, to have a baby?

Me:                Do you mean sex? 

DD:                 Yeah, that.

Me:                Oh.  Well, no.  there are other ways (I go on to explain about sperm  banks and surrogacy and etc.)

DD:                 Can you do that?  I want a sister.

Me:                …well, I could.  But Daddy and I could also make a baby by having sex, like we talked about, right?

DD:                   I guess…but do in PRIVATE and shut your door!

Me:                 …we usually do. 

DD:             Well, this one time in Spokane, I saw you and Daddy and you were naked and kissing.  I was supposed to be taking a nap.

Me:          Are you ever going to let me forget that?!?!  Also, next time maybe you should just take a nap.

2.       Girl Scouts.  The same DD mentioned above came home from school one day last fall with a Girl Scout flyer.  Could she join?  Sure, I said, and signed the slip saying I’d be willing to volunteer. That quickly turned into me being a troop leader, and I’ve been loving it!  We’re currently doing a project involving gathering healthy and diet-specific foods for our local food bank. 

3.       Volunteering.  My Brownies and I have volunteered at the Billings Food Bank twice as part of our project, and I have to say I love it, and am looking for more opportunities for us to volunteer around the community.  I never really learned as a kid how important it is to just help people—even if it’s doing a favor like babysitting for a friend or giving someone a ride to work, so now I’m doubling down, trying to make sure my Girl Scouts know it is important that we get involved, that it’s not only fun for us, but it helps someone, maybe a little girl just like them.

 So yeah, it’s been a depressing year with the War on Women still going strong even though voters told the GOP in no uncertain terms last fall to back the fuck off women’s rights.  But there’s still work to be done, and I think one of the most important things we can ever, EVER teach our children is compassion.  Empathy.  Teaching them to give a shit about people, not things or gadgets or money, but people. If the human race is going to be as amazing as The Doctor gives us credit for, we better get on that compassion thing.