Today is Mother's Day, and I won't be seeing her or talking to her. I did print out a card and have all the kids sign it, and I did sign it as well, and I did send school pictures.
Months ago, my mom sent me a letter detailing the ways I had hurt her feelings over the last several decades. The list was not all-inclusive, but went over some of the highlights of our awful relationship. I responded to that letter in my head, on paper, on my computer, dozens of times, but deleted it every time. My mom and I don't have civil discussions, no one changes their mind about anything, and that's not all her fault.
Instead, I wrote her a letter I'd never send, right here in this safe space.
Recently I discovered my family has been getting together and not inviting me, not just once; it is a pattern, one that apparently will continue. At Christmas time, my daughter invited everyone over for Butter Beer and snacks on Christmas Eve. My brothers and mom couldn't attend because they had already made Christmas Even plans - dinner at my brother Phil's house. I don't know if I would have gone had I been invited; Christmas Eve is my favore part of the holiday with the kids' anticipation reaching a peak. But my youngest brother was in town and I may have changed our plans if they had invited me. But they didn't.
Then a few months later, I found out my sister-in-law had thrown my younger brother a 40th birthday party, and the whole family had gotten together, again, without me. I was crushed; I spent a whole day of work crying between phone calls. before my work day started, I burst into tears on my husband's shoulder, and my daughter interrupted me to ask me to braid her hair for an interview she had for Upward Bound that day. I dried my tears, but when she asked me what was wrong, I told her.
I really couldn't see why they weren't inviting me, other than my mom being annoyed with and disappointed by me, which is completely our norm. Nothing had happened to escalate our mutual disappointment and anger with each other. It was baseline.
