You know, I try to be Ms. Revolutionary and try not to care
that I am no longer married, am jaded and accepting of a non-traditional
lifestyle, but sometimes this tra-la-la stuff stops and I get smacked in the
face with gorgeous engagement pictures on Facebook or bridal showers or
weddings of well-adjusted individuals I know. My fear is that I will veer away
from this sort of happiness because 1) I feel I don’t deserve it. I had my
chance and/or 2) this sort of happiness and stability doesn’t really happen
anymore. Yet, there it is in front of my face, this POSSIBILITY of the American
dream: someone to commiserate over student loans, to have more children with,
to know the ins and outs of each others quirks. Maybe I’m just not built for it
anymore.
I wonder if this is a post-divorce phase? Will I ever be or
feel eligible for a real baby shower or bridal shower? Will I ever wear my
dream wedding gown? None of those things happened with my first marriage or
first child. I feel this is the price I pay for having been a 19-year-old
mother and newlywed.
What are your experiences? Have you been here? Did you get
out of the slump? Did you embrace the new “fun-loving, devil may care” you? Are
you a married lady who thinks women like me are nuts?
Tell me.
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