"A Million Hours Left to Think of You, and Think of That"

*I am not an expert. I am just a person sharing a piece of my story*

I have only told three people outside of counselors that I self-injure. The counselors, surprisingly, or perhaps not, both had the same nonchalant attitude about it, like if they showed it was a large concern, it would become a bigger problem. Maybe this is how they are taught to treat it? And they always ask: “Why do you think you do it?” and I give the real and honest answer, “To make a physical manifestation (yes, I say that. I’m a poet) of the pain I feel on the inside on the outside.” Seeing blood or feeling a burning pain from the emotional or mental distress, in whatever way, makes it seem less serious BECAUSE it can be SEEN. The pain can be visualized. I’ve placed it outside of myself. 

When pain isn’t tangible, it seems less real. And when what you are feeling doesn’t seem real, you feel insane. So, there came a point for me when I needed the injury, the wound, the blood to feel a bit more ok.

It started small. I’d bite a nail to a jagged edge and run it on my skin until it burned. Then, until it bled. I have a scar from the time an ex-boyfriend wouldn’t let up on a lecture that before I knew it, I was flying to Washington D.C. with a significant cut from digging and digging the night before.

I found myself finding relief in restaurant bathrooms during stressful situations, or what I now know to be panic attacks.

I changed my method over time to get faster blood results and, honestly, the Washington D.C. dig had caused a seeable scar. I had to draw blood, feel pain, and not scar and the new method allowed me to accomplish this goal.

Self-Injury is not about a cry for help. It’s self-therapy. If it was a cry for help, self-injurers wouldn’t work so hard to hide it. This is my own opinion. It is unhealthy self-therapy, but it is what it is: an extensive symptom of my diagnosed depression and anxiety.

According to the Self-Injury Foundation, “research shows that the main reason people self-injure is to regulate intense emotional states; that is, to feel better” and that scratching, cutting, burning, biting, facial picking and other self-harm behaviors are exhibited by those who self-injure.

I haven’t self-injured in a few weeks, but I am glad I found the Self-Injury Foundation website. The information there has given me perspective about why I self-injure. Reading that my self-injury isn’t because I’m “crazy” and am, in fact, self-medicating in an unhealthy way has helped me understand my motives more.

If you, or someone you know, self-injures, please visit www.selfInjuryfoundation.com or contact your doctor.