May 13, 2018

Happy Crappy Mother's Day!

My mom sucks. 

Today is Mother's Day, and I won't be seeing her or talking to her. I did print out a card and have all the kids sign it, and I did sign it as well, and I did send school pictures. 

Months ago, my mom sent me a letter detailing the ways I had hurt her feelings over the last several decades. The list was not all-inclusive, but went over some of the highlights of our awful relationship.  I responded to that letter in my head, on paper, on my computer, dozens of times, but deleted it every time. My mom and I don't have civil discussions, no one changes their mind about anything, and that's not all her fault. 

Instead, I wrote her a letter I'd never send, right here in this safe space

Recently I discovered my family has been getting together and not inviting me, not just once; it is a pattern, one that apparently will continue. At Christmas time, my daughter invited everyone over for Butter Beer and snacks on Christmas Eve. My brothers and mom couldn't attend because they had already made Christmas Even plans - dinner at my brother Phil's house. I don't know if I would have gone had I been invited; Christmas Eve is my favore part of the holiday with the kids' anticipation reaching a peak. But my youngest brother was in town and I may have changed our plans if they had invited me. But they didn't. 

Then a few months later, I found out my sister-in-law had thrown my younger brother a 40th birthday party, and the whole family had gotten together, again, without me. I was crushed; I spent a whole day of work crying between phone calls.  before my work day started, I burst into tears on my husband's shoulder, and my daughter interrupted me to ask me to braid her hair for an interview she had for Upward Bound that day.  I dried my tears, but when she asked me what was wrong, I told her. 

I really couldn't see why they weren't inviting me, other than my mom being annoyed with and disappointed by me, which is completely our norm. Nothing had happened to escalate our mutual disappointment and anger with each other. It was baseline. 

So with my feelings wounded, I wrote a very polite letter to my oldest brother and my younger brother, the ones who live in Montana. I first told them I loved them very much and loved their kids and would-be kids (my sister in law is pregnant, a fact I found out from my dad, and when I emailed my congratulations over to my brother, he did not respond), and that I was wondering if there was a reason they hadn't been inviting me to family gatherings. There was, and the reason boiled down to my mom. 

I finally responded to her letter and let her know all the ways that she had hurt MY feelings over the years.  The most hurtful thing my mom has ever done was to disown me. Three times. Within less than five years. 

No: The most hurtful thing she has done is to continue to deny that it happened, or at least that it was a big deal, at all. She doesn't remember calling me Tonya (my name is Tanya, no "ah" sound), so it never happened. Ignoring me in public was totally normal because we were fighting.  In our tiny town, I walked out of a bar and saw my mother standing there with friends. I looked at her.  She looked at me and pointedly away. It seems like a small thing when I write it down, but the feelings, my god the feelings at the time...I was crushed. I uncharacteristically burst into tears and ran. 

My oldest brother's baby mama, who he's no longer with, liked to tell me that I may think my mom was bad, but really I should be grateful. Her mother asked for money, did drugs, etc. I should consider myself lucky. How much of that came from my brother? Is that how he feels now? Do he and his wife talk about me like that? Do they say, it's such a shame Tanya can't get along with her, she's not that bad. She means well. I picture that. I picture my mom and my sisters-in-law and my brothers emailing, calling, talking about their next get together. Do they even mention me and my kids anymore? Is it just a given now that we're not welcome or invited? 

I've still got my dad, whose views on politics are pretty much in line with my mom's, but who doesn't force them on me, who still invites me to everything and seems happy to see me and my kids. I've still got my step-ma, who takes great care of us when we visit, who sometimes makes off color comments but generally is more concerned with family being together than that the family believe the exact same things. 

I get annoyed when I see posts, memes, etc talking about "If you still have a mother, go hug her. She won't be around forever."  Just because one's mother is alive does not mean they deserve props. Respect is earned, and parental love should be unconditional, but it's just not that way for everyone. I'll spend the day being grateful for my kids, and working on making sure my love is given freely and without caveats.  



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